Tuesday, August 4

and where does that come from?

I have come to see that my journey through the past year has been hard, and has also left us very changed, and also has had lasting ramifications, especially on friendships. That to me is very interesting, and yet not. I have come to analyze myself alot during this time as well - and also to analyze our (Alvin and my) response to people in the past. I know that I have said and done stupid things as well. Or said things that were very flippant, or very "christian". But there is another thing that I have come to understand - that only when you have walked in certain shoes, can you then walk alongside of another on the same path. For instance - I lost my mom one year, my dad the next. I believe that from that I have learned how to care and walk alongside of those who mourn the death of a mom or dad.
When I was 16 I said good-bye to my Granny. Man, did I love her! She was the mom of my mom. My granny was really with it! I loved staying over at her place when I was in my teens. She noticed everything about me - even when I got my hair trimmed. When she died - I thought I had lost everything! SO, I know how to walk alongside of someone when they lose a grandma --- or a grandpa (since being married I have lost an OPA,an OMI and an OMA and mourned them too.)

With having lost my little Jay - I know that I can walk alongside of other women who have lost grandchildren, or have tried to support children who have lost their babies. I know that since I have shared our story - more women than I could count, have also shared theirs with me. I would have never in my life EVER thought this would be part of our journey - but now, since I have walked in those shoes - I can walk alongside of another as they mourn the loss of grandchildren and children.

I have learned that these moccassins walk a million miles, and still learn new things on the pathway called LIFE. And, I have learned that it is only because of GOD that we can continue to rise up, to stand and to walk! One friend told me yesterday that she thought I was slowly turning the corner and regaining strength. Oh how right she is.

This life - oh this life - how hard it can be. How amazing it can be as well. In the midst of it - tomorrow our kids go for their second ultrasound, and Lord willing, will find out if their second child will be a little boy or little girl. Let me tell you that this Granny is getting excited about starting this little ones rag quilt.

Sometimes I wonder where exactly our thoughts come from. Sometimes they seem like they are buried deep deep down in places unknown, only to rise up to the surface as a surprise! I experienced that yesterday too. Within the past 5 days, I was privy to conversation about some parties that have happened - yesterday I was actually asked by my daughter if I had been invited. I wasn't and really, that is okay. The thing that feels so "like grade school" is the fact that when I realized that two friends had parties, and I wasn't invited - I felt left out. I know, I know - get a grip Joy. I don't have to be invited to everything - and what made me think I should be invited anyhow? Maybe I am not really a friend. I guess it was just that other people were surpised we weren't that then made me feel that I missed something. On the way home I was sharing with my husband that really, I didn't have to go to any parties, but that all of a sudden, I just feel like I am on the outside looking in. And the only thing I can say is - that is never a good feeling. And, it feels lonely. It is just one more way that makes me feel like so much has changed... so much.

Never quite know where our thoughts come from. It seems there are a million harnessed up and kept away, out of sight. Then once in a while - they rear their heads (and often it is their ugly heads!) I want to look forward - to look ahead. Somehow I keep wanting to look back - but it is only in forward thinking that I will really show my trust on God. Trusting...trusting...trusting....
Trusting when I my life is full of friends - and even when it is not.
Trusting when people question my decisions, but I know they are right.
Trusting when it feels lonely, even when I am amongst tons of people.
Trusting when the day is as dark as the night - and trusting when the Sun is shining so brightly that I have to squint.
Trusting in someone who I can't see - but I know is with me - every minute, every hour, every day - past present and future.
Trusting - it is easy when everything goes well - but man, when life gets hard - when you feel excluded - it is even harder!
Trusting when it feels like everything in life is changing - including you.

Jesus - you are the same - Yesterday - Today and forever.
You know my thoughts -
You know my days from start to finish.
You know everything about me - when I sit, stand, travel and rest.
You know everything I will say - and think.
You go before me, with me and behind me.
There is no where I can be without you. O Lord, THANK YOU!
You have made me - so wonderfully and so fearfully made!
You have made me for a purpose - and you will continue to do your work in me.
Search me - know my heart - test me - know my thoughts.
Oh Lord - my Lord and my God - lead me along the path of ever lasting life - and when things come up in my life - whether it be thoughts/feelings out of the depth of my soul where I thought I had buried them - help me to work through them - to give them to you, and to continue to walk with integrity, and with you as my guide.
I love you Lord.

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