We got to the hospital and waited. When I walked up to the 3rd floor, and saw the little glassed in waiting room – part of me just did not want to go and sit there. Honestly, the memories of sitting there, praying for our little Jay, and weeping just overwhelmed me. But we walked forward with the hope that this day would be much different.
It was Friday – the 18th of December, and we walked in with the confidence that Dr. McCarthy had things all under control, with the c-section planned, and nurses there to assist. Thing is – as much as we knew things were in a controlled environment – the reality of our experience with losing Jay just loomed ever so strongly and silently over and around us – and by yesterday the weight of it was showing on everyone’s faces and in the voices.
People who knew us said – it will all be fine. You will be holding your little grandbaby soon. Our hearts said, “there is no guarantee in life that all will go as you plan and hope and pray. While God wants our communion with him, and loves to give us the desires of our hearts – sometimes, really hard and tragic things happen to people. So – keep praying, because that keeps us in communion with the Almighty, and he delights in hearing us – but A + B does not always = C”
So, there we sat. Alvin and I, Pat and Jim, Michael and Ashley, Meagan and Jeremy… waiting. The c-section was bumped a little – more waiting. My sister-in-law Ingrid, who works in surgery ran down to see them, and unbeknownst to us, was allowed to stay for the c-section…
Ingrid came running up to our little waiting area, slumped into a chair and gave us the news. We had a little “big” grandson… and all were well. She later came up again with the kids camera and we saw our first glimpses of our little one…
I had prayed that he would arrive and greet the world kicking and screaming his welcome. Apparently before he was even out – he was crying! Such sweet music to their ears. His cry brought tears…
Leah said yesterday, she loves to hear him cry. That was also the expression of our hearts.
When we finally got to see them, after Leah spent some time in recovery – we got to hold this little one…. To feel his soft baby skin… and dark hair… to check out his hands and feet and ears. To kiss his little face. To speak quietly to him. To watch how he knows without a doubt who his mommy and daddy are… a miracle.
As I got into bed last night, I thought over the day… Alvin and I talked about how we tangibly felt the weight lift off… Alvin talked about how even though he didn’t have a bad feeling – he still had a feeling like something still could go wrong. Past history plays so much in our anxiety/anticipation. We are so glad that with this little one’s cry – our weights were lifted off our chests. With his cry – we saw how God literally changed our mourning into dancing… he redeemed our brokenness for joy.
As I crawled under the covers and laid there – the tears came as I thought of how much joy were are feeling, and how we were robbed of that joy with Jay. And while I know Jay is with Jesus – I wish I could watch him looking at and touching his little brother.
And in the quietness of the night, as I could hear Alvin’s breathing beside me – with his head barely touching the pillow and falling fast asleep – I wept.
I am a Granny of two beautiful amazing and perfect grandsons. While my mom can hug and run with our little Jay – I look forward to cuddling, praying for, talking to, singing to, watching grow, laughing with, perhaps scolding once in a while (if he is anything like his daddy there may be a couple scoldings), kissing… and being there for this little one who I get to love on and watch grow. I am so blessed…
Joy comes in the morning. That is mentioned in the word of God. Beauty for ashes. That is also mentioned. God giving us a plan and a future… that is in there too. Yesterday I was taken first thing, on the way in, I read this scripture to Alvin…
Psalm 27 I read Alvin the whole thing as we drove. I believe these were exactly for me – so when the reference was breathed onto my heart – I grabbed my bible that I had beside me – and read to see what God was giving me for the “birth day” of my Grandson…I will “bold” the verses that especially stood out to me.
A psalm of David.
1 The LORD is my light and my salvation—
so why should I be afraid?
The LORD is my fortress, protecting me from danger,
so why should I tremble?
2 When evil people come to devour me,
when my enemies and foes attack me,
they will stumble and fall.
3 Though a mighty army surrounds me,
my heart will not be afraid.
Even if I am attacked,
I will remain confident.
4 The one thing I ask of the LORD—
the thing I seek most—
is to live in the house of the LORD all the days of my life,
delighting in the LORD’s perfections
and meditating in his Temple.
5 For he will conceal me there when troubles come;
he will hide me in his sanctuary.
He will place me out of reach on a high rock.
6 Then I will hold my head high
above my enemies who surround me.
At his sanctuary I will offer sacrifices with shouts of joy,
singing and praising the LORD with music.
7 Hear me as I pray, O LORD.
Be merciful and answer me!
8 My heart has heard you say, “Come and talk with me.”
And my heart responds, “LORD, I am coming.”
9 Do not turn your back on me.
Do not reject your servant in anger.
You have always been my helper.
Don’t leave me now; don’t abandon me,
O God of my salvation!
10 Even if my father and mother abandon me,
the LORD will hold me close.
11 Teach me how to live, O LORD.
Lead me along the right path,
for my enemies are waiting for me.
12 Do not let me fall into their hands.
For they accuse me of things I’ve never done;
with every breath they threaten me with violence.
13 Yet I am confident I will see the LORD’s goodness
while I am here in the land of the living.
14 Wait patiently for the LORD.
Be brave and courageous.
Yes, wait patiently for the LORD.
O Lord - thank you for giving us the desire of our hearts - for this little grandson. I pray that he would not ever carry the weight of his big brother's death on his shoulders, but that he would be able to know about Jay. I also pray that you would raise our little Everett John to be a strong and mighty man of God. Lord - may this little one always know the prayers that carried him into this world and into our arms. I have no doubt Lord - that he will grow up feeling loved beyond words!! Thank you Lord - for our little guy - our second grandSON - Everett John. Give us love, wisdom and open arms always for this little one, and all of our grandchildren in the future. Amen.