Tuesday, April 13

absolutely black

It is almost eleven thirty. It is completely BLACK around me, except of course for my laptop on my lap, which is working on battery power! There is 71% power remaining on the battery until it has to either be plugged back in or turned off. The power has been off and on a couple times and then stayed off. That was about half an hour ago. And honestly, it is so black both outside and inside - that I can not see Alvin in the chair. I can hear his snoring but can't see him.

It is so incredibly windy outside. Actually a little scary as I hear things blowing around. This evening Alvin went outside and came immediately back in and asked me to come and hold the ladder for him. Up he went to try to fasten some of the facia (I think this is what it is called) or the "overhang" way up at the peak of our roof... there is was, a piece of it - flapping in the wind.
The wind is like that - it catches a little bit of looseness and just works it.

But then, Alvin and I decided to go for a walk - and as we walked into the wind as we were "going" ~ once we went into the forest of trees, all of a sudden it seemed like the wind had died down. It was a nice walk - pretty quiet actually. We saw quite a few deer along the way. They are all coming back into our yard now.

Creation is just coming alive these days. The weather is warming up. (although I think it is supposed to be rainy and miserable over the next few days). The tulips are beginning to grow. The grass is starting to turn green. I even heard the frogs tonight!! Now that is a sure sign of spring if anything is!! (I remember when my kids used to go into the ditch to get frog's eggs, and then tadpoles. And well, they usually caught a "booter" while they were at it!)

This morning, I was doing up the dishes and watching the bird feeder that I put at the back, on the lilac tree. I was pretty proud of myself - thinking that I had outsmarted the squirrel! He was busy emptying the one in the front (and getting fatter with each seed I might add!) I put the old feeder on a branch that could hold it, but wouldn't be able to hold a squirrel IF he found it...

Today began with many birds in the tree, on the ground, and perching on the feeder (which has been horribly chewed by the squirrel!) I watched a Blue Jay come and sit in the tree and then hop from branch to branch and down onto the feeder and eat. They are such a big bird, and so incredibly beautiful! A little later, when I came to the window, I was absolutely amazed - because there, in perfect timing - were not just one, or two, but THREE beautiful Blue Jays in the tree. The white trim on their bodies looked startlingly WHITE beside the blueness of their feathers! It actually looked like snow on top of them! Oh God - how amazing you truly are! You are such an awesome creator! You continue to surprise me with "kisses" from above!
I will always, always ALWAYS have my breath taken away at such amazing displays of creation!

I was home today. I enjoyed my QT with the Lord. I enjoyed a great conversation with my sister and with a couple friends. I enjoyed absolute peace and quiet. I also wrote out a short talk that I was asked to do at Friends Funeral Chapel on Sunday. It is a memorial service for those who have lost someone over the past year. They ask people to share their story of grief, and how they coped... I am one that is going to share my journey, which at this point we have been on for almost 21 months. As I thought about that - and as I wrote down my thoughts, the timing of the Blue Jays was just like a big hug from God. I know He still grieves with us. I know He hears each sigh, sees each tear, understands each unspoken thought. As I said in my little talk - my faith in Jesus has been my anchor in the most horrific storm I have encountered.

These last few days have felt "messy" again... and I realize that once again, God is doing some refining in me. He is skimming off some "dross" as part of the process..
I have found that when I feel messy, I pull back, and become even more introspective. I find I am more willing to just be alone, than to be in a group of people. Feeling messy doesn't necessarily feel good, but at this point in my journey - I "get" that it is just that... it is a PART of my journey! I realize that there is still a lot of the journey that I don't see... much like the blackness of my world right now due to the power failure! If I were to try to phone right now - our cordless phones would not work - I would have to try to find the plug in phone and use that. If I went to brush my teeth - the water would not work - because we need the power to operate our pump to get the water. Not only is it black - but there is really nothing that we can do - except try to feel our way upstairs to bed without the lights, and granted we will likely do a fair bit of stumbling and hitting things along the way! We take light for granted. (shoot - we should have put that flashlight into a place where we would find it when the lights went out!)

Guess God can use this blackness to teach me a few things... never too old for teachable moments are we! In the blackness of my moments - the blackness of our journey over the past 21 months - He has been our light. And, I am so thankful that even when I could not see what was ahead - or feel my way... I knew that He was there - and could feel his arms around me.

Thinking that perhaps I am rambling now... and my man has woken up. He asked me if I turned the lights off...
I figure I will mosey on up to bed... he is already headed that way. We know that when we wake up - the sun will have risen again, or we believe it will. Now, which way to my pillow....
Night dear ones!

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