Thursday, April 22

honestly ~ I hope this is not always my struggle!

So - I am posting again. I hate this fact - that the same struggle with the same 60 lbs has become another post! Perhaps these posts I should just write in my journal, not for everyone to see and perhaps to form an opinion on. I realize that I am making myself very vulnerable and transparent. Thing is - this is not a struggle that is invisible. I realize that if anyone looks at me, they realize that I struggle with my weight.

Over the past 32 years - it has been the "same old, same old" unfortunately. The same "feeling bad about myself only to then go and medicate with some more food" attitude that seems to have been prevalent again... where DOES that come from? (is Satan a part of getting me down? or can I do that just fine on my own strength?) Why can't I seem to break this? (I truly believe there is a spiritual component within all this) Does God care about it - or is it really a non-issue for Him? (I think because He loves me - He cares deeply about me, one of his creation!) Why do I care about it so much? Will I be struggling with the same weight this time next year? Why do I keep trying? What is at the bottom of this struggle.

Perhaps it is part of the things I have been told, or read... such as: no flour ~ only whole wheat flour ~ no sugar ~ drink 8 cups of water ~ drink the equivalent of half your weight in ounces per day ~ exercise at least 15o minutes a day ~ exercise min 4 hours a day ~ cut out white sugar ~ aspartame is not good, don't use that either ~ eat legumes ~ count points ~ nutrisytem ~ herbalife (not herbal magic) ~ ameridream ~ weight watchers ~ clean up your plate (don't you know there are children starving in other countries) ~ eat only till satisfied and leave the rest.
love yourself ~ you are what you eat ~ diabetes ~ food pyramids ~ calories ~ cancer ~ high blood pressure ~ high cholesterol ~ loose weight ~ just "watch" what you eat ~ food plans ~ diet diaries ~ snoring ~ heart burn ~ reflux (absolutely the worst!) you are beautiful inside (so why do I feel so frumpy) ~ clothes are cuter in smaller sizes ~ give away outgrown clothes ~ save them in case I need them later ~ exercise DVDs ~ aerobics ~ curves ~ treadmill ~ walking outside ~ jogging on treadmill ~ sore hips ~ should I run when I am overweight? ~ and on and on and on and on and on it goes...............

Now you see what happens. Years and years of fighting the "diet beast" have made my heard a little confused. And yet not.
I KNOW what feels good for my body. (I can feel it even when I lose a few pounds!) I KNOW what my health risks are. (cholesterol is a little high, so is my blood pressure)
I KNOW what my family history is. (everything really bad: heart, diabetes, breast cancer)
I KNOW what size I wear and what size I would LIKE to wear. (size XL to XXL vs M or L)
I KNOW that diets = bad (it has to be something that is not a quick fix! that doesn't work as quick fixes are only temporary)
and that lifestyle change = good. (which is why First Line Therapy does seem to be the one for me! I CAN live with this plan)
I KNOW I want to live to be able to play with my grandchildren and see them grow up. (O Lord, help me to get my health in order and to take this seriously. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my grandsons (and other children to come) that I will be able to run with and play and walk and carry and get down on the floor with!
I KNOW that I am beautiful in God's eyes, and I want to love myself. (Lord, with your strength I can love myself ~ I am fearfully and wonderfully made!)
I KNOW that my body is the temple of the Holy Spirit but I am not taking care of it. (I want to rededicate myself to taking care of this temple Lord!)
I KNOW that I have paid way too much money on "diet" programs, books, DVDs, food... always looking for the "quick fix" (oh yes, been there and done that again and again and again... but no more!)
I KNOW there is no such thing as a quick fix and that only hard work and persistence will be effective (exercise, eat right, keep giving it to the Lord!)
I KNOW I am loved regardless but that the weight loss will help me truly love myself and live life more fully! (YES!)

I have been doing First Line Therapy since August... off and on.
I want to support others very dear to me in this same journey.
I want to be a positive role model.
I don't want to keep sabotaging myself and my efforts by eating anything, everything and not necessarily in moderation.

I really, really, really want to. REALLY.
With God as my witness, with God as my strength. With God...
Do I really believe this. Then why do I keep "taking it back"..
O God, with your strength - change me!! Beginning now. NOT tomorrow, but right now!

"Most people are still reluctant to end dieting and give up the war."

"Women turn to food when they are not hungry because they are hungry for something they can't name; a connection to what is beyond the concerns of daily life.

"There is madness in obsession (food), yes, but its value is that it drowns out the madness of life."

"Either you are willing to believe in kindness or you aren't. Either you are willing to believe in the basic sanity of your being or your aren't. To be given wings, you've got to be willing to believe that you were put on this earth for more than your endless attempts to lose the same thirty pounds three hundred times for eighty years. And that goodness and loveliness are possible, even in something as mundane as what you put in your mouth for breakfast. Beginning now!"

- from the book Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth

thanks for reading my blog. I can only say that I am a very normal woman who struggles with something that many of us struggle with. As my good friend said, "food seems to be the drug of choice for us" and I would say - yep, seems to be. Is overeating an addiction? Is it an obsession? Has it become our god? (small "g" god) I think that if we go to it before we go to God - then there is a problem, no matter what we want to call it.
I hope you don't mind reading about the struggle - and I hope you will be reading in the future as you read about the success! With God I can in 2010! I have wasted too many months - gotta get serious about this. Thanks again for listening and hey - for praying too!
the plan will be to:
  • eat according to first line therapy (get back on it - and give'er!)
  • get exercising again (half hour min per day)
  • give it to God daily (make Quiet Time with the Lord a priority!)
  • keep track of my eating by writing it down

1 comment:

Ann said...

Hi Joy. I would like you to look into a book Eat Right 4For your Blood Type.Chapters has that book, or you can goole it.I have changed my eating habit the past two years.I feel much healthier and the weight comes of naturily.its advice i give peaple,if they like it or not , i belive in it. Ann.