its been a while...

It has been a while.
Mom has been in the hospital since August - actually 9 weeks.
9 weeks yesterday
72 days

It feels like since that day, my life has gotten terribly out of sync .
I used to (it feels like forever ago) like to get up and spend the first part of the morning with God
Now I feel like I get up - give Him a few minutes - pray on my way into the hospital.
Sometimes I get my "QT" time in with God while Mom is sleeping.

Life somehow just feels jumbled.
A year ago I resigned.
Yes - I resigned.
It was my choice to resign, although there is much more behind this story.
I have not looked back.
I have been sad though - especially lately - when I see a job posting at my church, for a position which had been part of my conversation with leadership the year and a half before I left.
I feel like every time I see a bulletin with the ad announcement in it - I mourn that too.
Weird.
Funny.... someone asked me if I would apply for it.
I said "I couldn't even if I wanted to - as the job is for someone with a degree/education/theology" (in other words life experience is not the strongest asset)


It has been a while since I have talked with some "friends"
I was thinking of that today
What makes a friend?
And I realize that perhaps I (as I walked my journey of grief over past two years) - maybe I have offended someone...
I tried reaching out... and well, just had no energy as the journey was taking it all out of me at that time...
I know that the other day someone jokingly said to me (when I met him at a funeral) "yes, you pastored at McIvor until you bailed on us..."
Ouch.... really? you think I bailed?? (I actually said to him, "I didn't bail!)
if truth be told....

It has been a while since I have gone on my own spiritual retreat.
Funny, we are building the retreat house...
But it has been a long time since my soul has been refreshed in a day retreat.
I used to love those days spent - at the cottage - at St. Bens - at Sunnyside
It has been a while
Since time stood still as I sat on a lawnchair, listening to the rustle of the leaves and the call of bluejays
ahhhhhhhh.....

It has been a while
Since I have had some "order" in my life
Yes, if you know me, you know my personality is more "fly by the seat of my pants"...
But, I still like to have some semblance of order!

It has been a while since my day timer was empty
Since I slept in (well, last week I did sleep till 8 on Saturday)
Since I got all my exercise in
Since I ate properly

It has been a while
since I decided to put myself "out there" (which is hard when you feel like you are lacking self-confidence) and actually submitted a resume!
and it has been a while since I did that....
actually thought perhaps I would get an interview
hmmm..... guess they didn't want an ex-pastor!

It has been a while since I just went shopping for the mere heck of it
or when I actually ate some of the lunch I prepare for the guys WITH the guys
or since I was actually around to take pictures of progress at the land

The other day I asked Alvin "do you have any doubts"
really.... our time line looks NOTHING like we thought
along with most everything else in our life
And he said, "NO, none"
To which I replied, "Me neither"

You see.... it has been a while for alot of things
But one thing I know is that God is doing a work of transforming me/transforming us
I am learning alot as I sit alongside Mom Klassen
alot about life... cherish each moment
alot about GOD... He is faithful no matter what we think
alot about plans... Hold them loosely, because God is ultimately in charge
alot about jobs .... past, present and future..... God knows WHERE He will put me and WHEN He will put me somewhere that puts money in my bank account. I know that is not the most important thing, but honestly, when we are building a place MUCH bigger than we ever would have (5 extra bedrooms dedicated for women's bed and breakfast/retreat) sometimes the financial stresses me a little. (okay, some days more than a little)

I am learning to lean... lean INTO God.
Sometimes when things are going really well in our lives, I think our tendency is to lean AWAY from Him and do things on our own steam
Honestly, I don't feel like I would have any steam on my own some days.

I am learning to love with all my heart
to live with NO regrets.
I thank God that He is giving me a job right now - one that is greater than anything else I could have ever interviewed for. Mom and I have had a chance to share some deep stuff...

I am learning to give things to God
Afterall, I would really make a mess of things...
Sometimes I give the SAME STUFF to Him over and over and over and over and over
well you get the picture!

I am learning that life is short
but a breath!
I want to live fully...
O God, may my actions speak LOUDER than my words.
May I love with all I have...
May I extend grace as God has given it to me
May I smile to those who need a smile...
say hello to those who need a word
May I be "Jesus with skin on" to those around me....
the poor, the rich, the happy, the sad
the grumpy
May I be "Jesus with skin on" to my friends as well as those who I feel have betrayed me
to new friends and old friends
to the least of these who others just walk past.
May I be "Jesus with skin on" to my Mom (in-law) to my husband, to my kids, to my grandson, to my friends, to the nurses, to the aides, to the doctors, to the little old gal with Alzheimer's that sits in the hall outside of mom's room....

It has been a while, but God is talking to me about getting some things in order, so that I can truly live fully.... in HIS strength!! HIS POWER!! HIS GRACE and HIS MIGHT!
I really want to "Go Big or Go Home".... O Lord, give me strength, grace, mercy and love!! Amen.

to God be the Glory!!