its sunny but i don't feel the warmth

it is monday
the 19th of July
there is a slight breeze
fluffy white clouds fill the sky

as I stand on my deck
it is hard to believe that on such a beautiful day
there is such unbelievable grief that has touched and invaded another young family
and that although on the outside the sun shines
inside it is blackness of despair

not all is as sunny as the world appears
i remember that all too well
the "living life as if in a bubble" feeling
going through the motions
attending to things that have to be done
but feeling nothing but loss

hearing the laughter and chatter of people
its sunny
but i didn't feel the warmth
it is as if all time stopped

last night i wept again
tears
waves of grief
prayer lifted up
mixed with more "why God" "why?"

as dinner dishes were being done
and alvin was cutting grass
we got a call
Leah, sobbing on the other end
and I heard the devastating news
our kids friends
lost their littlest child in a drowning accident

words can not contain the grief
tears sum it all up
as night fell
the pillow was soft
but sleep did not come

Why God? Why?
those questions rose again from my heart
and once again I was reminded of words my daughter Leah said when our little Jay died
"it is a mystery only God understands"
the reality is we will never get it
not this side of heaven anyhow
But God knows right?

my thoughts just now went back
to when our little Jay went to be with Jesus
we met together over that weekend
on the Sunday morning
with Josh and Leah
Ashley and Michael
Great Grandma Klassen
Alvin and I

and together,
with tears streaming
we sang Great is thy Faithfulness
and It is Well with my Soul

It was one of the hardest times to sing
It was hard to sing of God's faithfulness
when I questioned whether He had truly been faithful in our situation
It was hard to sing of my soul being well
when it was so numb all it could feel was shattered

But in my heart -
in the very depths
I knew what I beleived then
and what I believe even more today

Do I believe He knows
Do I believe He is in control
Do I believe that He loves us more than we will ever understand
Do I believe He cares
Do I believe in all things He is Sovereign

As hard as it is to say when times are so dark
I say it...
I do believe.

I weep for this mom and dad
I weep for the rest of the kids who lost a little brother
I weep for the grandparents who lost a grandson
I weep for the aunties and uncles who lost a nephew
I weep for the kids who lost a cousin and a friend
I weep for those around the family who grieve with them
and lift them up in prayer

I weep
I pray
I petition God on their behalf
for peace
for comfort
until they feel the sunny warmth of life once again


Psalm 23:4 (New Living Translation)

Even when I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will not be afraid,
for you are close beside me.

O Lord, will you please be their strength in this dark dark valley.

Please be their comfort during these days, weeks, months and years to come.

Lord, please be their peace. O Lord, hear our prayers on their behalf. Amen